With Every Heart Beat

This past weekend was the 5k walk/run for the American Heart Association. We gathered both generations of X members plus some friends and raised money to help fight heart disease. The walk was great, a little cold but we all had such a great time. We walked in love and happiness and celebrated some awesome dads. Together we raised just about $3000 dollars for the American Heart Association which is absolutely amazing! Thank you to everyone who donated!

As you know I spent the last two years working for City Year and those two years were two of the most life changing years of my life. I got to work with amazing people and did so much in such a short time.  I have posted about my experience before and I probably will again because those people mean the world to me. I fully expect to experience all of my teammate’s weddings and have them experience mine. My teammates from my corps year and I often discuss how it came to be that we ended up with each other; the only answer I have is magic! We were absolutely magical because we all loved each other so fast, you would have thought we knew each other for years. Simply, we became a family.  We fought like a family, laughed, loved and cried as a family. It was even more special for me to bring X 2.0 into that family!

I will often say that it took tragedy to truly forge the special bond that we had. During my corps year two of my teammates lost their dads to sudden heart attacks; those are days you never forget. You remember where you were, what you were wearing what the air smelled like; it’s almost like you were taping and can play it back at any time.  So many things in this city are reminders and send me hurtling back in time to those days. For Shannon we were on Thanksgiving break and he experienced his loss away from us but it was still heart breaking for me, who was miles away. To know Shannon is to know an amazing person but most importantly an amazing MAN; he is smart, quiet, thoughtful and kind. I always feel a sense of calm in his presences and seek his ear for guidance. He has become a brother to me and it was hard to see this man struggle in his thoughts. He asked us to go about business as usual and he would let us know when he needed us, I can only imagine it must have been a comfort to him. His was always the hand I could expect to squeeze under the table or the one to pass me a note {preferably one with a robot} during a rough meeting just to make me smile and I remember just wanting to be that for him in his loss.

Dancing On My Own

Last night I died and went to hip hop heaven, also known as the Watch the Throne concert. There are no words to describe the melodic amazingness that was that concert… it was EPIC! Everyone asked me who I was going with and I happily said just me…it was AWESOME!  I think I am going to go to more concerts by myself; being alone allowed me to get lost in the music. I do not know if it was the flashing lights and thumping melodies playing in time with my internal beat or the marijuana vapors that I swear they were blasting through the vents at the Verizon Center, but as I stood there nodding my head, I was taken to a place I haven’t been in a while. For a solid two hours I was able to escape and I was ecstatic about it.

I have found recently that when I am struggling to express how I am feeling, along comes a song that lays my emotions out like a road map.  It is funny how a song is there for you when you least it expect it. There seems to be a song for every emotion I’ve gone through in the last few months. One song in particular is Runaway by Mr. West. I love Kanye; I think he is a musical genius. I love the risks that he takes with his music and I feel as though his music is really a window to his soul. Anyway, Runaway is song to a girl or girls that he has wronged {he’s kind of a douche}. It is song that I always thought described he who shall not be named and funny enough one day as we were heading somewhere together he who shall not be named said the same thing, that Runaway sounded a lot like him {NEWSFLASH, ladies if a dude you like EVER says that Runway sounds like him, you need to kick rocks FAST!}. Well Yeezy performed it last night and I felt that he was singing straight to me; matter of fact he told the ladies in the audience to leave that dude alone! I felt as though Kanye punched me square in the face with his leather glove, mic still in hand and was like “CHARISSE, WAKE THE F**K UP…let him go”. In that moment I realized that it is time, I need to let it go. This person cannot consume me; he is happy and not thinking about me. I have to find a way to make peace with him and I think that I have.

I don’t want this blog to become my love chronicles so with respect to myself and this space and my vow to let go, I am deciding that this post will be the last one about he who shall not be named for the time being. I have other extremely embarrassing and personal demons to tackle and then share with the blogosphere.

I love that music has the ability to help you go through things and this case is no different. Last night wasn’t just a night filled with flashing lights, high heels, and blazing beats; it was a next level experience. Kanye and Jay will roll into their next city and never know what they did for me but I am beyond thankful for them and the experience! No Encore, I’m out!

What Was Old is New Again!

I was going over some old blog posts from my old blog and I found this one called "Actions are regrettable...but are feelings?" Sometimes I am blown away by my level of deepness, and I had to repost it, see what I mean below!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Actions Are Regrettable..But Are Feelings?

Game Changer - any action that changes the direction or outcome of a game or activity
 
Okay so I just pulled that one out of thin air but I felt that it sums up a shift in a friendship. Yes, this is the same friendship that I raged on about a few posts ago. Those feelings were raw and passionate and though all may not have come from sound mind they came from the purest heart. My friend and I talked and worked our shit out, but he said some things that cut a little deep. Not painfully but honest and though I don't want him to be right he was. It is funny how my feelings changed once looking at things from a different point of view..his. Communication really is the key, it can unlock so many dead bolted doors. 

Game Changer- I fell unknowingly hard and expressed it knowing that he couldn't be about that. Duuummb! I'm pretty good at expressing feeling and to do so with a person who isn't so good, leads to confusion. I don't regret the feelings but I regret expressing them because although we're good, we're different. It hasn't been established if it's good different or bad different but that air of carefree inappropriateness is gone and in its place is left a grey area of caution and censorship. His precaution for my feelings and fear of leading me on and my censorship of overtly sentimental comments that are too reminiscent of a loving intimate relationship. That's not what we are; point.blank. period. The funny thing is neither of us are particularly "loving" people, I don't like to be touched most of the time so to refer to us in any kind of romantic way is kind of laughable really. I don't think you can label a friendship like ours, its ever changing and analytical, complicated and raunchy and carefree and easy..well it used to be. I say we can go back to the way things used to be, he says we can't. You know how you have definitive moments in your life, like "I was this way before this happen and I am this way after". I wonder if our friendship hence forth will be like that "before heavy awkwardness annnnnd after"

So in that case I had to ask myself can one regret a feeling? The conclusion I came to is no. Your emotions are consistently changing, kind of like water colors. If you add more water it dilutes the paint and the pigment isn't as strong. If you add a new color it never quite looks like the original color but the change is made, no going back. When the paint dries you still have to appreciate the picture and I think I do. At that moment in time I felt those feelings and was overwhelmed and thought I should share them. In hind sight that was poor judgment on my part and this is where the regret steps in, but I learned a good lesson and at the end of the day, I can't be upset with a chance to grow. With this experience I've grown at least 3 inches, or maybe that's just the imaginary pair of Christian's on my feet.

Cheers to 27!

Today was the big day! I turned 27! I awoke to phone calls starting at 7 am {um I am unemployed… I sleep until noon}. I didn’t do anything outlandish for my day of birth. I talked to everyone I wanted to, one of the highlights was when my dear friend Daniel called and sung me happy birthday {I literally swooned, he is soo cute}. I put on a great outfit, put a little red lipstick on and I went for a bike ride, had coffee with my ooooh so wise mentor and met Sha, we had a great dinner of  Eatonville, Coca Cola and cupcakes {Coke always taste better with Sha}, we watched some X factor and giggled. It was the simplest of days but definitely ranks as one of the top five birthdays of all times.  I just watched the well wishes come in, it was such an out pouring of such beautiful expressions of love from people from all walks of my life,{even mother nature decided to drop off a little gift for me…BITCH!} and I was humbled. It is rare when you get to hear from dozens of people what you mean to them; truly I have never felt more loved.

I think the timing was perfect too because I had been fretting about a friend of mine, I felt as though we were fading from each other’s lives. I couldn’t figure it out nothing bad happened. I’ve been watching a lot of Felicity lately (thanks Marge for the Netflix access) and that show is surprisingly deep. Anyway there is a line in the episode the Depths that made me have an aha moment; Felicity and her friend Julie are fighting because Julie wrote a vicious song about Felicity, who is now dating her ex Ben. Julie felt betrayed by Felicity but Julie knew that Felicity liked Ben before she started dating him ANYWAY they get stuck in a train together and this old man who has been sitting quietly listening to the rest of the train try and argue about who was in the right finally stands up and says "the way I see it you two best friends were never best friends to begin with. You two met when you were seriously lonely and maybe a little desperate and you started calling each other best, when you never really earned that title. You can’t get a best friend. Best friends become. They don’t happen in a meeting, or a year or two. It’s a package deal, friendship, only as valuable as what you put in, come through.” deep right!


So maybe some people just come into your life for a certain period of time and that is it and you are confused because they are there for a very long time and you start to think that they are a best and should always be there and then all of a sudden they are gone and you can’t figure out what you did. Well I didn’t steal anyone’s boyfriend and this friend didn’t steal mine I think the relationship just ran its course. Friendships are hard and they ARE a package deal, you get out what you put in; however I would disagree with just one part of this man’s wise words. I don’t think a BEST friend is determined in years but in love and respect that is shared. I am proud to say that I have several close, dear and best friends. They spread across the country and range in years of friendship but I love them all dearly!

So among learning that I have many many awesome people that care about me, I also realized that every relationship runs its course and it is okay that this one did too. Not all relationships end poorly or with malice but as we get older and priorities change it is really okay that friendships dissolve. Like many other things in my life I will learn from this relationship and keep chugging along.Thank you all for sending me some love today and I look forward to many many many days with you!

<3Hugs and kisses and cheers to 27!

Happy Birthday Month to Me!

Knock knock...
Who's there?
The month of my birth...

November is here and my birthday is tomorrow! Although I have to tell the blogging world that I have been a little ho hum about the big day. I haven't made plans to celebrate and I have no big party plans to kick off 27 in Three.Six.Five. I am not really sure what the deal is, why I'm so bla about it but maybe it is because I have had so much on my mind. School..finding a job...finding and trying on bridesmaids dresses, SCHOOL! between all of that my bday kind of just popped up. Everyone else seems more excited about it than me. As the sun sets on 26 I find myself feeling a little sad about it. It was such an eventful year and so much has happened {some of it I would like to forget} but I remember thinking a few days ago that I really have learned so much in a year. I think me now is  a little better than me at this time last year; I guess that is part of growing up and becoming an adult. Truthfully I am just happy and thankful to have seen another year.

I have a pretty awesome week ahead, Thursday is the Watch the Throne Concert! I am soooooooooo excited! I am proud to say that I am going by myself and I am NOT ashamed of it. Saturday is the walk for the American Heart Association {donate here!} and I get to spend the afternoon with some of my favorite people, my X teammates! I promise to post pictures of both!

I look forward to tomorrow's sunrise and I plan on enjoying my day to the fullest. It is supposed to be nice so I definitely want to enjoy the day maybe a bike ride to a museum, lunch date with a friend and then a coffee date with my mentor. I  promise to put on a fresh coat of nail polish {my new favorite color for Fall} and a show stopping outfit {anything that doesn't involve chucks or sperrys} and head out and enjoy my birthday!