Daddy's Little Girl...with Issues

Here are a couple things you should know before you read this post.

1. This post is pretty personal; I try and keep things I share at an appropriate level of personal.  I think I share enough for you to get the idea with out crossing that over share line. However this post dives a little deeper and I think it is important that it does, in order for me to check daddy issues off of my list.

2. Just so you follow a long, sperm donor = SD = biological father, Dad = my step father

3. If you disagree with any or all of the things I say below please don't argue with me, my findings come from years of scientific research and anthropological viewing.

4. Also this post has a PG-13 rating due to a few F-bombs! {I love them so} 

5. It is long..so get a cookie

Some of you may remember in my {With Every Heart Beat} post I talked about the importance of dads. I can speak to the importance of them due to my lack of one. I have found that an absence of a father in a girl's life often leads to a girl with daddy issues. Furthermore having a bad father can also lead to daddy issues, lucky me I got both!

Girls with daddy issues fall into one of three categories.
  

1.      Needy Girls:  these girls seek approval from men in all facets of life. An example of said girl is the Checkinasaurus

•     Checkinasaurus: this girl makes her fella check in at every point of the day.  She can usually be found on her Martha Stuart Living sofa with a glass of pinot in one hand and clutching her iPhone, Blackberry, or Droid in the other,  furiously texting her boo trying to Google map his location. 
•   These girls often suffer from Princess Syndrome. 

Observed conversation in the wild:

"Hey so where are you now?” - Checkinasaurus

"ugh still on the road but just 5 miles further than the last time you called" - Patient Boyfriend

"I mean what mile marker" - Checkinasaurus 

{ooookay needy bitch} 

2.      Sexual Promiscuous Girls: these girls seek the love that they did not get from their fathers through sex and or physical attention. You may know her in the wild as the Sluttodactyl.

• Sluttodactyl: You can find this rare gem of a girl usually sloppy at a bar, tongue crammed down some rando's throat, then only to be found moments later leaving the bar with some better looking rando. You can also find her making the walk of shame home several nights a week; head hung low, carrying  broken heels broken promises of I love you...probably in a purse....filled with puke. 

• Sluttodactyl is not to be confused with Boss ladies; these ladies handle themselves with class and enjoy their sexuality. Sluttodactyl lets herself get used and abused by tools and douche bags REPEATEDLY.

3.      Lesbians: {you know you have heard THAT argument before..so stupid.} REALLY 3 is

       Man Hating Girls: these girls can’t get past their fathers being shitheads and take it out on every other man that comes into their lives. Known in nature as Megabitchasaurus-Rex.

• Megabitchasaurus-Rex: she usually can be found in the club in the corner stank eying every dude that dares looks her way. Common replies to pick up lines are as follows but not limited to: “Fuck off”, “Can't you see I am busy avoiding eye contact with you”, and my personal favorite “why are you even going to bother taking my number, you're not going to call me anyway because you are probably a liar.” It is usually at this point where most men’s flight or fight mechanism decides to kick in, a few brave {or stupid} men try to tackle this great beast but most flee usually testicles in hand… mumbling something about lesbians. 
• she also suffers from severe commitment-phobia 

I, ladies and gentlemen fall into category 3! 

I don’t trust people in general but especially men. For a long time I actually thought ALL men were liars and cheaters. It has shockingly come to my attention that this sentiment is notone in which I should have when trying to find a mate. I’m a pretty bad ass babe but I can’t get past my issues to really go there with someone. So unless I want to end up the crazy cat neighbor I have to battle my demons and settle my issues with my dads, both of them. I have two dads my sperm donor and the man that helped raise me. I’m mad at one for leaving me and mad at the other for aiding in my poor self-image.

Listen I’m not a small lady and I wasn’t a small child and I  was never a daddy's girl , I never was told how pretty I was... just how chubby and that no man wants to marry a chubby girl that sucks her thumb...ummm I was 8 and this is modern America why were you trying to make me a child bride? It took me a very long time to get to a place where I could look at myself in the mirror and see someone beautiful. I know… I know cue the violins and obnoxious precious moment tears. Reflecting on my dad I don’t think he was loved as child in a way that is conducive to raising daughters.... or anything with feelings. His parents basically took the old school English route, rule with a strong hand and little compassion….oh and never touch your children. SD was around for a while when I was young but then progressively he was around less and less and then not at all. For those of you who are products of divorce you know what happens when one parent remarries, sometimes there just isn’t room for you and the new instant family. I think my issues with him are truly interesting because as I have gotten older I have realized that I am truly my father’s daughter and that scares me. We don’t communicate because we aren't confrontational people and probably afraid that the other one hates the other. 

Over the last three years I have accepted my physical attributes and gained some serious SWAGGU. But I found those old securities manifesting themselves again recently. Someone fucked with my head a little too hard and for several months I would start the night out feeling like Tyra Banks circa Victoria's Secret modeling days and then as the night would go on and I would see pretty girl after pretty girl and by the end I felt like Tyra circa the Tyra Banks Show, swimsuit episode break down...ya know the "YOUCANKISSMYFATASS" moment? I saw every girl as competition for said mind fucker and I was the clear loser... Thanks douche.  Honestly, it wasn't his fault {ENTIRELY}. I started to ask myself from where is this coming? Why is my self worth and beauty image so closely tied to a boy? I was able to trace it back to Papa Dukes  numero uno and dos. Having a strong male presence growing up is key and having them demonstrate and express how an ideal man should be AND should treat you is bedrock. Without that foundation you are left to work it out on your own; often with the helping hand of a pretty awesome mom. We learn to focus on more important things, like saving the world, feeding the hungry and our personalities. Somehow though, it is never quite enough and you find yourself asking "am I pretty?" a little more than necessary. One thing that all of  us “daddy issues” girls have in common is that we are all a bit insecure whether we like to admit it or not.

THE POINT! 

I called my dad today and said that I would like to see him over the Holidays and I had some things I wanted to talk about. I haven't spoken to him in about a year or so. My parents had a messy divorce a few years ago; I guess eventually every kid picks a side. It was easy to not choose his.  I figured that I would start with my dad because our situation is a bit easier to mend. I will deal with the SD a bit later. I realized I’m not all that interested in what SD has to say I just need to let him know the effects of his actions on his very stubborn, opinionated, strong minded, slighty insecure daughter. I think I also just want to know why he didn’t think it was important to be in my life.  I just don’t want to hate him anymore but be at peace with the person that he is and relinquish the power he holds over me.  I am only guessing how this will go but I hope at the very least I can make peace with them and thus peace with myself. I need to learn to trust people more, especially those of the dude persuasion. Not ALL men suck… don't get me wrong a good portion of them do {not bitter in the least bit} BUT I am working on getting to a point where I see the light and can separate bad men from men in general.